Mending pieces of my shattered heart after yesterday’s suicide bombing incident(s), this words penned, as a cry out to my fellows, pages I hid from the world.
It was hard writing this, but it was harder not to these days.
Hoping to light a mind or two, here I pour a corner once so dark but now I see.
“Islam is not like what you saw in media, please don’t.”
January 2014, my mom whispered that line with trembling lips as I confessed my faith in Christ. She cried herself till this day. We never talked about religion anymore.
One random day, one of her son left the faith. It was the hardest day of her life. And mine. I hugged her feet so hard because she said she’s afraid I will hate her for prohibiting me.
It was my cross. It is my cross.
I never deny my high school had no role in shaping my faith, they cleared the cloudy path of assumption but I held the final call to walk into His altar. What they gave me was a perspective I never thought was there to be challenged. Believing Christ is God are blasphemous in Islam, so does it say.
It was already my truth before it is assumed in the first place. How can one shift from a thing he already believe is an ultimate truth? It will only set his mind to defend rather than investigate.
C. S. Lewis said it best: the most dangerous ideas in a society are not the ones being argued, but the ones that are assumed.
There was a moment where I doubt everything I was told to believe and look it up for myself.
I asked myself, what is argued about Islam before the assumption is cleared? I packed the question on top of my shoulder everyday.
Religion of peace, is it true?
Perfect preservation of Quran, is it true?
Why do I long for relationship if God is tawhid? Am I supposed to be self-sufficient and be content just like Allah?
God, tawhid, then who does He love before He created the universe? No one? That dependency to His creation to manifest Love disqualify God as Love.
I saw many people claimed they love Muhammad, didn’t it make them commit idolatry? I don’t know.
Call the quest in question. Kill the doubt. I searched for God’s revelation about Himself.
Turns out, Allah only love certain people: who do good (Sura 2:195), the just (5:42, 60:8). Allah also does not love certain people: evildoers (3:57), corrupters (5:64), or transgessors (2:190, 5;87, 7:55), ungrateful sinners (2:276). He does not love those who ignore his commands (3:32). What struck me, he is certainly the enemy of disbelievers (2:98).
I left Islam and wander who is God.
Who are you, God?
One evening there’s a storyteller –some of you call him preacher– I didn’t understand any word he said. Then he mentioned the story of Jesus’s birth.
and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.
Luke 2:7 NIV
I cried like a baby.
Sudden. No prior vision, no dream meeting Jesus in heaven or divine inspiration.
One line, washed my heart. Completely contrast with God in Islam I knew.
Placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.
There’s something about it I cried like a child.
Christ respect my will to accept Him or not. That ephemeral moment stunned me. He reveals Himself in a line.
I invite Him that day, not to my guest room, Jesus would You come into my manger? I know it’s dirty, but You came into this nasty world anyway.
He stays in my heart till today.
You know, I lost everything by following Christ. How can a son broke his mother’s heart, not able to utter a word of comfort, the reason behind her sorrow, yet my heart at peace.
Who are you, God?
When we were far away, you came running with open arms.
Never did I imagine the answer is Heavenly Father. Definitely not a kind of God pictured in my former religion.
Hi! Call me Ivan. I left Islam when I was 14, a Christian since 15. Like some of you, I have many questions. Did you find your answer yet?