Kebebasan

Penuh dengan banyak hal, saya mencoba mengurai kusut benang-benang yang ingin saling mendahului dalam tangga prioritas di kepala saya, ya kita sebut saja kumpulan ini dengan sebutan: namanya-juga-hidup. Sekian bulan saya tidak komentar, karena berdebat dengan orang bodoh hanya membuktikan ada dua orang bodoh dalam debat itu, kata seorang filsuf. Saya kembali berusaha mencari, apa itu kebenaran. Nyatanya, dalam praktik kehidupan, semua golongan mengklaim kebenaran, padahal tidak mungkin ada dua kebenaran yang bertolak belakang. Antara salah satunya benar, atau keduanya salah.

Jawaban. Saya pikir itu (ilmu) yang dibutuhkan untuk membuang tendesi salah sangka, menjernihkan pikiran sebelum mencapai konklusi, atau dengan kata lain meningkatkan level kebijaksanaan. Ini membuat saya meredupkan komentar-komentar nyelekit yang tidak jarang melukai orang atau grup tertentu.

Kesalahan saya yang terbesar adalah, menganggap orang lain melakukan hal yang sama. Ketika saya diam, mencari pengertian, saya kira orang lain melakukan hal yang sama. Ketika saya menolak masuk ke debat kusir dan saling melukai relasi, saya kira orang lain melakukan hal yang sama. Juga ketika saya mengumpulkan data dan kebenaran yang teruji, ketika saya berusaha mati-matian memperjuangkan itu untuk kebaikan banyak orang, saya kira mereka akan melakukan hal yang sama, dan sama-sama mengerti.

Beberapa orang (mungkin banyak) yang terluka dengan perkataan, sikap, dan tindakan saya karena perbedaan kutub dalam menilik kebenaran. Seperti yang sudah saya sebutkan, tidak mungkin ada dua kebenaran yang bertolak belakang. Saya putuskan untuk berjuang, apakah saya merasa paling benar? Tidak juga, namun saya berprinsip harus perjuangkan yang menurut nurani saya benar. Jika kutub seberang lebih benar, kita buktikan di arena yang tepat, dengan gagasan dan landasan yang tepat juga. Jika di awal saya sebutkan sekian bulan saya tidak berkomentar, ada beberapa hal yang saya diamkan beberapa tahun, karena saya tidak mau ngotot membuktikan saya benar, tapi mengorbankan relasi. Imbalan yang tidak sepadan. Saya kira mereka melakukan hal yang sama, tapi ternyata mereka meracuni orang sekitar dengan membentuk opini yang tidak benar dan penuh prasangka tak berdasar.

Kecenderungan saya untuk diam, sarkastik, membuat plot untuk mempermalukan di depan umum, tidak komunikatif, itu semua keburukan yang saya sadari, saya pahami, dan terus saya perbaiki. Jika anda termasuk orang yang saya sakiti, saya akan menyampaikan permohonan maaf, karena menjadi sebuah kemunafikan jika saya berkata saya ingin. Sebelum itu, saya akan katakan beberapa hal.

Pertama, mengutip Anais Nin; we don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.

Jika kacamata prasangka, asosiasi golongan yang sejalan dengan anda, asosiasi saya dengan golongan yang berseberangan dengan anda, kebenaran relatif yang sudah anda klaim dengan confirmation bias, strawman, tanpa landasan logika dan argumen yang jelas, dan anda tetap mendapati saya bersalah, curang, menyalahi aturan, saya minta maaf.

Kedua, salah satu teman saya pernah berkata: if a person said we hurt him/her, we don’t get to choose to say that we didn’t. Respons kita menentukan apa yang mengalir dari hati kita. Saya memilih untuk menghargai perasaan orang yang lain yang terluka karena saya walaupun menurut logika saya, belum tentu itu karena saya. Jadi jika timbul perasaan sakit hati karena saya, saya minta maaf.

Ketiga, saya ingin sampaikan opini praktis saya hal yang berkaitan dengan yang kedua. Jika saya merasa seseorang menyakiti saya, benarkah orang itu yang menyakiti saya, atau ketidaksesuaian dengan persepsi (ilusi) saya yang membuat saya sakit hati? Sudahkah saya periksa kebenaran yang hati saya sendiri rasakan sebelum mengatakan orang tersebut yang menyakiti saya?

Jika setelah berpikir jernih tanpa cacat logika selayaknya manusia berpendidikan, sudah mencari kebenaran, tanpa embel-embel asosiasi bizarre, prasangka, saya memang menyakiti anda, saya minta maaf.

Jangan sampai, kebebasan kita dalam berperasaan membuat diri kita hipersensitif terhadap kebebasan orang lain. Kebebasan yang sesungguhnya, adalah kebebasan yang dibatasi oleh kebebasan orang lain. Jika kebebasan kita membelenggu kebebasan orang lain, menyalahkan orang tersebut karena mengganggu kebebasan kita, kemudian kita berteriak ke seluruh dunia bagaimana orang itu mencederai kebebasan, itu bukan kebebasan, tapi kebangsatan.

Saya tidak perlu minta maaf untuk yang terakhir, kan?

Choice

I woke up at 11.00 am despite 7.30 am alarm.

Shimmering lights dancing upon my eyelids, apparently too thin to hold the sun’s diffused light. I rubbed my face against my pillow, pulled my knees onto my chest, wishing fetal position would send my conscience back to dreamland 5 minutes more. I chose not to have my cup of coffee that day though. My palate refused anything I put on my tongue lately.

I didn’t see my cat that morning, maybe they are visiting neighbour’s yard. They kind of adopt human’s tendecy toward their environment; ambience-seeker, calm-craving, self-centered creature. As one of my fellow said, routine is like a rust. Well, maybe these feline understand it better.

What’s the agenda today, Self? Nothing? Oh. I thought we have 14 lines on our weekly agenda? Nada? Not today?

It was a choice. It was my choice.
Woke up. Snoozed. Morning pray. Cold shower.

I made thousands of choices everyday I may not aware. Only one or two per day had perfectly imprinted in my memory; “this one is an important decision”, I told myself.

I hardly remember, if not recall, what kind of mornings I had. What kind of ritual I developed, what kind of stability “My Days” were proposing to “My Weeks”. What kind of hurricane-triggering-habits that I constantly feed my mood.

That noon my cervical spine aching. No surprise, since it bore the weight of all my unnecessary questions, some of them translated into this pointless writing.

I think I deserved the ache.

“Mendingan gue vape daripada ngerokok.

Globular Health initiative

“Mendingan gue vape daripada ngerokok.”

“Mendingan gue vape daripada ngerokok,” benarkah lebih baik vape daripada rokok? Beberapa dari teman saya yang tadinya antirokok pun, akhirnya memutuskan untuk vaping. Glamor iklan-iklan maupun standar kekinian yang selalu mengikuti tren tidak luput menginklusi rokok elektrik, atau e-cigarettes, vaporizer.Vaping, lebih sering didengar sebagai kosakata untuk menyebutnya di masyarakat.

Vape merupakan e-cigarettes generasi ketiga, dengan generasi pertama yang berbentuk seperti rokok (cigalike), generasi kedua dengan bentuk pena atau obeng dengan katrid (cartridge) dan kapasitas baterai yang lebih besar, dan sekarang muncul vape sebagai generasi ketiga dengan menggunakan sistem tangki dan mudah dimodifikasi. Popularitas vape memang sedang melonjak tinggi lantaran modifikasi yang bisa dilakukan sangat bervariasi dan maraknya penjualan online semakin memudahkan orang untuk mendapatkan produk-produk vape.

Produk vape mengandung beberapa senyawa, salah satunya nikotin, sebagaimana terdapat pada rokok konvensional, yang merupakan zat yang menimbulkan adiksi…

Lihat pos aslinya 714 kata lagi

Failure

I failed again.

In my loneliest nights, those sticky shadows creeps in. They cloud me from God’s limitless grace. Blind and deaf. I failed again.

The corner of my room is the warmest cliff I have ever visited. Gallant and deafening wind became my comfort. O darkness I fell, indulge me in the blankest sheet you proposed. Unveil the beast of my past, time-traveler. I long for the relativity of time. Instruct me with your deepest tangled-thoughts. We shall be exiled far from exaltation’s horizon. We will tend our bleeding wound with salted sin.

That night.. is a portrait of my dismembered mind and heart; savagely ripped from common sense.

They call me headstrong. Extrapolation of utopian-but-harmonised answer leads to it, maybe. They chose to see me as idealist instead of delusional. Occasionally, world pissed me off, but my head never accepted its slightest ridicule. Bandaged in dream and nobel goal, I forced my way. Somehow I get away with it for almost 20 years.

Until one stomp of hard rejection, I’m on a slippery slope of failure. The fall of confidence, chronic & progressive solitary bubble, extreme touchy-feely, fear in a form of perfectionism, all wrapped up in a society-familiar term: introvert.

The misconception about introvert “doesn’t enjoy social event” and the uprising popularity of MBTI and Jungian Typology colored the years of my truth-seeking mind. The madness going over to divide people into extrovert and introvert, in order to pseudoanalyst their traits and justify their misbehavior added up a pressure on my back.

“They don’t understand.”

I embraced the glorious serenity of “me time”. It helped me harnest ideas from my head. Some, if not most, do experienced the same thing, they maximized their depression as a channel to liquidify and boil their works. I kinda like the word “saturation” to explain this phenomenon, in a way it is aligned with “no art is born without sadness” said by one of an artist.

Nothing’s wrong, really. Everything flows with its constantly changing current. Nothing, until it bumped my threshold and causing explosion here and there. Mood swing, broad range of emotion in a matter of seconds, so-called laziness, not-typical-INFP kind of mess. It rusted my dream, decayed by time. Dragged from among the stars, speared into graveyard’s door.

I failed again.

The constant back and forth between Future and Past was (maybe, and is) the theme of my head’s timeline. Burned everything in between.

I never lived.
I am an insignificant dust in Chrono’s world. Bouncing between two polars powered by trauma and dream.

In the end, I managed to finish my study; medicine.

The end of one hell of a phase. This should be my turning. This should be the exact one point where change is inevitable. Knowledge may be the key, but it always changes and I need a perfect ground to stand tall.

I should be over but limitless grace sustains. I need to find a rock to balance my failure, to appreciate and not to underestimate the weight of it brings.

I should look up and climb. I should look down and thank.
I should move forward, and try leave my past with peace.

I must learn to cast the mantra more often: I am ultimately weak but His grace made perfect in it.

December 25th, 2016.

Happy Born Day, Christ the Messiah.
You are, indeed, Prince of Peace.

“This has been a smoke for decades.”

As the smoke rises in Sumatra with hundreds of hotspots mostly in South Sumatra, it also fires our attention about how it affects our society’s daily activities. The smoke decreasing Pekanbaru’s visibility to only around 50 meters, preventing the inhabitants to see further and moreover, deteriorates the air quality. The smoke also interferes public transportation in the city, including flight from and to Riau.

From 29th June to 27th September 2015, the victims of smoke reached 44,871 people, said Andra Sjafril, Chief of Riau Health Office, when interviewed by Republika on 28th September 2015.

The victims sufferered from quite vast array of diseases; acute upper respiratory tract infection, pneumonia, asthma, eyes irritation, or skin diseases. They act as a prominent evidence that smoke, as a disaster, jeopardize our health.

Just like the smoke, questions also rises. Questions concerning how the government will react to tackle this haze, questions how we as a society will act to alleviate the pain and how the affected society holding on.

More importantly but often forgotten, questions about how we as a nation, will mitigate and adapt to such catastrophe.

The sense of urgency must be heartfelt by our whole country; promoting societal movement from under the flag of humanity. While the smoke has clear associations with health and welfare of the citizens, the issue will consistently blown up in media until it is taken care of.

And when the nurse changed the TV channel to something more entertaining to be watched by the kids, I walk down the isle while the children helplessly laying down on their bed, “This has been a smoke for decades.”, I thought. No, not that kind of smoke we watched on TV. This kind of smoke is invisible, disguised itself as a number in statistic report, silently massacred Indonesian children.

If you’re wondering what is the smoke that killed our children, this is the disguised form: In 2012, UNICEF estimated 152.000 children in Indonesia died because of diarrhea and pneumonia. Though the numbers have plummeted from 385.000 deaths in 1990, these two diseases still claimed lives over 3 times compared to Sumatra smoke’s victims.

WHO’s final report, The State of The World’s Children 2014, ranked Indonesia 72 out of 194 countries based on the value of Under-5 Mortality Rate (U5MR) in 2012, a critical indicator of the well-being of children. Phillipines are slightly above us, sitting on rank 75 while Malaysia skyrocketed above us, sitting on rank 141. It means we only do better than 71 countries (out of 194 countries) in terms of protecting our children, including other developing countries like South Africa, Nepal, India, and Afghanistan.

It haunts me every day as a future healthworker, to write and ask why no one hit the emergency button, no sense of urgency? I think it wasn’t because the smoke didn’t soar up from my place, nor because we didn’t know our country still struggling with infectious diseases. I think this has been a calm storm because we didn’t know that these deaths, just like the smoke, promoted by multiple hotspots too.

The smoke that killed Indonesian children also flared up by multiple hotspots, varied from individual to national level. Countless researches have shown that maternal education, contaminated food, water supply and sanitation, socioeconomic status, accessibility and availability of healthcare facilities are the social determinants of health contributing to the outcome of the patient with diarrhea.

Those with socioeconomic disadvantage live in communities that are at a higher risk of environmental contamination and are least likely to have access to good medical care. With this level of social disparities, the disease only blanketed the poor and marginalized, killing the selected communities with contaminated food, poor sanitation and poor water supply.

Rudolf Virchow, once said “Do we not always find the diseases of the populace traceable to defects in society?” Correlating to the welfare of citizens, in 1988, Beauchamp stated that good health is fundamental to a good society.

To cure and rehabilitate is not enough, we must prevent and promote in order to create a good society.

Comparing diarrhea with the smoke using the same analogy, then socieconomic status, sanitation, contaminated food, and water supply are the hotspots.

As the smoke threatened our life through respiratory tract, we also need to grasp that diarrhea also threatened our children’s life through digestive tract.

As we thought providing masks for smoke victims is helpful, we also need to provide clean water for everyone regardless the geographical obstacles.

As we work to decrease the fire hotspots while urging the government to do something, we also need to secure water, uncontaminated food, hygiene and sanitation, while we also advocate for better housing and health facilities.

We need to shift our perspective from individual to population-based approach, to learn to see health in a global perspective. A perspective that health is a multifaceted field which crosses intersectoral borders, need to be holistically addressed, and solved not only by healthworkers but by all actors who must be involved.

We have learned the importance of comprehensive and collaborative action from government, nongovernmental organizations, public figures, and societal movement in healing the destruction caused by the smoke in Sumatra, we also need to adopt the same perspective in dealing with other health problems.

And when we finally decide to reimagine health problems, investing in population-based promotions and disease prevention, with the attention already focused on personal health care, the healing will be in harmony as we raise once again under the flag of humanity, to fight another smokes, together as a nation.